Purpose
The Compliment You Keep to Yourself
You hear someone explain a complicated problem so clearly that, for once, you understand it. You think: That was really well done.
Then you move on with your day, taking the compliment with you.
The other person has no idea there was one.
Perhaps you assumed they already knew. Perhaps saying it aloud felt oddly formal. A perfectly ordinary sentence can begin to seem like a speech once you rehearse it three times in your head.
There is research behind that hesitation. In a series of five studies, Erica Boothby and Vanessa Bohns found that people giving compliments underestimated how positively recipients would feel. They also overestimated how bothered or uncomfortable recipients would be. The work was published online in 2020 and appeared in a 2021 journal issue. [C1, C2]
These are findings from the interactions studied, not a promise that every compliment will land well. Still, they raise an inviting possibility: your internal forecast may be gloomier than the actual weather.
A compliment does not need an elaborate introduction. Suppose someone patiently walks you through an unfamiliar process. An ordinary sentence such as “You made that much easier to understand” tells them what you noticed. There is no need to explain that you do not usually give compliments, apologize for interrupting, or produce supporting slides.
Specificity gives the sentence somewhere to stand. “You asked a question I was afraid to ask” carries different information from a general “You're amazing.” Both may be sincere. The first makes the appreciation easier to understand.
That is a practical suggestion, not a rule tested by the study. It is also an invitation to notice more than appearance. Someone's humor, judgment, care or ability to include a quiet person can be worth acknowledging. You do not have to comment on a body to help a person feel seen.
And a compliment can end where it ends. It does not need to become a request, a networking strategy or an opening for a conversation the other person has not chosen. You can say the nice thing and leave them free to receive it in their own way.
Some people will smile. Some will look surprised. Some will say a quick thank-you and return to what they were doing. A modest response does not require you to repeat the compliment more loudly, as though appreciation has a volume problem.
Context still matters. A sincere observation about someone's work is different from an intrusive personal remark. If a comment would put someone on display or demand a reaction, there is room to choose a kinder sentence, a quieter moment, or silence.
But when the thought is genuine, appropriate and already there, it may not need much improvement. You can let it out before your mind creates a committee.
The next time someone makes something easier, more interesting or more welcoming, consider telling them exactly that.
They cannot hear the lovely thing you meant to say.
Sources and Additional Reading
C1 Erica J. Boothby and Vanessa K. Bohns. Why a Simple Act of Kindness Is Not as Simple as It Seems… Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 47(5), 826–840 (2021). First published online August 28, 2020. DOI: 10.1177/0146167220949003. [https://ecommons.cornell.edu/entities/publication/0698c45d-1d7b-474b-87d5-ed8c784e6172] Read source
C2 Publisher record and abstract for the same study. SAGE, first published online August 28, 2020. [https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167220949003] Read source
